Reaction vs. response

My Reaction
My body tenses and sweats.
My chest closes in.
My breath catches.
My mind reminds me of all the 'reasons' I think I'm not okay.
I begin to layer on the armor- closing off from those around me.
My reaction causes a defend and attack cycle.
Words are my weapon.

Meanwhile, the core part of me watches in understanding compassion, another side in annoyance and dismay, but the shame and pain are sometimes too strong to stand against in the moment.
I've been here before, when the threat was real and the reaction may have saved my life.
Though, this time is different...
It's someone I love who tripped over my trigger line unknowingly.
The reaction and unnecessary defensive mechanisms of painful words don't seem to know the difference between past trauma and present 'threat.'

Welcome to the internal fixings of a trauma survivor.
We live in a traumatic, chaotic, negative, busy world. Whether it was physical, emotional, mental, sexual, or self abuse, a fender bender, a loss of a loved one, a scene of a movie, or a mixture of all or none of these; the majority of us has experienced some form of trauma.
How can we use this? Learn from it? Help ourselves rebirth out of harden cocoon we needed in the past. Well, all I can share with you is my practice. It's not perfect. It's messy. I fail and I hurt people. I apologize and share my processing. Then I try it all over again. I do my best to surround myself with people who understand, care and support me in my growth. I cultivate gratitude and express it.
Most importantly, I practice.

My Response to Practice
I sit and feel all the emotions.
I listen to all the thoughts.
I breath through the chaos and try to find the calm center inside of me.
I broaden my vision outside of the narrowing fears and pain.
I remind myself the present moment is a new moment and the past no longer threatens me.
I allow myself to go quiet if I feel I can't control my forked tongue.
I sift through the negative thoughts and feelings for the root fear and pain.
I wait.
I express my feelings without blame or anger.
I allow my heart to soften and melt into a puddle of vulnerability.
I allow myself to be seen and heard and remind myself I'm worthy of such.
I process.
I learn.
I heal.

I'm also not sure I've ever done all those steps 'successfully' in the moment. I annoy myself. I annoy others. Worst of all, I spread my pain. My go to reaction to that is telling myself I've failed, but maybe failure doesn't exist. Just maybe, I'm closer to staying in my vulnerable and loving self each time. Maybe, these reactions are here to teach me what I'm still healing. That is something I am grateful for, but fuck, it's hard work. I'm constantly retracing my steps to apologize and being offered a chance to share my past, struggle and process.

May we love all the pieces of our Self.
May we allow ourselves to heal in our own way.
May we trip on trigger lines and be tripped upon by loved ones.
May we find gratitude and opportunity in such experiences.

Namaste & Happy Valentine's Day!

​-Devon