Oh, the identity our mind creates!
It's in every spiritual book, the question of all questions, "Who are you?"
They aren't asking us what we do, what our name is, or even who we think we are. Rather, who we really are. Now, that's a whole of mystical higher consciousness conversation for another time. Right now, I'm interested in the "who we think we are" gist.
Backstory: I had dreadlocks. Long, beautiful, unique, distinguishing dreadlocks... that happened to be really damn heavy and give my head/neck aches. So, away they went. I'm a practical person after all (and one that believes in residual energy).
Cue quarter-life identity crisis! Who am I?!
I blend into Durham now, my ice-breaker is gone, my hippie kudos- out the window. Who did I think I was? Why did I feel like these dreads gave me superpowers? Why did I feel the need to hide behind them? Much less, what were those tomboy fears growing up again? Oh right, that'd I'd be mistaken as a male forever.
Who am I? Right then, I was a dread-less and confused lady, finalizing a divorce that seemed to rip my world in two and leading me into being an adult and mother on my own for the first time.
The cherry on top? My passion is to share what wisdom and practice I have stumbled upon in this life through tarot and yoga. To be a source of safe sacred space for people to re-find themselves, reclaim and cleanse their energy, and focus on ways to live their best lives.
Fast forward a couple months, I'm still a little confused, still dread-less, still divorcing, still being a single mom, still sharing my passions with the world, but I've also come to a new conclusion that I've logically known all long.
*I am ever-changing, ever-growing, always whole, and always my best self.* The messier the better. That's how we really grow. Even through all the spiritual journeying and reading and practices, I still got caught up in the unconscious beliefs that I AM this physical appearance and momentary emotions I am feeling, but my gracious, I am so much more complex than that.
Yoga keeps me in touch with my body and mind, the feels, and the balance.
Tarot clarifies, refines, and directly points to areas of myself that feel lovely and deserve celebration or right where I need healing.
So, who I am? Even if I told you right now, it would be inaccurate by tomorrow. Even if I tried to consciously perceive my connection to all of life and the universe, words wouldn't do it justice.
Instead, I am doing my best to honor the process, show up authentically, and share all I can.
Thank you for listening.
Yes, yes, yes.
I hope you're loving this arrangement as much as I am.
2017 was... challenging... to say the least, for most of us. Personally, it kicked my ass. There were beautiful parts and intense growth making it well worth it, but holy shit!!! I'm exhausted and excited and doing my best to let it go.
Fortunately, we are now offered the deepest freshest new beginning of a year.
It would be nice to think that this is a rainbows and glitter kind of kick off, but the reality is, when we go deep, we go hard. Here is the difference between living this new year in a new more authentic way. Our habits, beliefs and energy of 2017 are now out-dated. We're new and different every moment. A certain death and rebirth takes place for us to truly step into something new. This rebirth could take an intense level of self-realization, self-trust and self-control not to revert back.
So for this pull today, I have a story that puts it all into perspective.
Story time: I once had an experience during a sound healing that gave me a better understanding of what I was really feeling and going through in my life. As I lay comfy on this furry massage table, convinced I would just try to relax and enjoy the sound of the didgeridoo in my face, I realized the Universe had something else in store. As I was breathing deeply and then was struck with a chest collapsing sense of anxiety. The death/rebirth had begun. I saw myself set fire, I could feel it! Beyond that, I was ripping at my ribs, right below my heart and into my core, pulling them apart. There was work to be done. The fire made me go back and I began pulling out old black pieces of myself that was blocking the beautiful bright parts from being realized. I kept digging and digging, I felt hollow and out of breath. You can breath through anything, I told myself. This space I created wasn't empty for long. I knew it had to be conscious filled back up with something new. As I continued clearing tossing this old nasty shit into the fire, what seemed like a large blinding ray of sunlight light poured warmth, and love right over my work. Things began to slowly settle and heal. The raging fire (five of wands) began to subside and I could breath again. Though this breath felt different, it felt cleaner, fresher, lighter, and I everything around me seemed to be glowing with color. For this moment, my anxiety was obliterated. I was living in the moment full of relief, gratitude and surrender. I was given the gift of this visceral experience so I knew it was okay to feel such intense and painful emotions because it was worth the end result. Rebirth.
This life is a hell of a ride sometimes. Find ways to take care of yourself during these times and stay open for clarity on how you prefer to live your life and connect with others. Support you loved ones and allow yourself to be supported. It takes a tribe and self-awareness to stay balanced, centered and grounded enough to come out the other side with our sanity.
Sending you all love and happy new year vibes!!!
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